broken tele

Was watching Sister's Keeper on the plane just now and cried buckets. My mucus is all over the jacket because I am too shy to alert the steward/ess/bro when I am sniffing. I am gross. Is this about the love for the sister/mum, the feeling that daddy knows best or is it about death and separation?

Anyway, this shanghai trip.. I don't know what to make of it. I cannot say I didn't enjoy it because I love this break and the awesome weather just that bringing the parents is really different and difficult. I don't know what they want at all! It is just funny now that I think about it because I might have said "grah" to them a good 10 times these 5 days. I'm sorry. Maybe I got on their nerves that much when I was younger too. But I still hope they enjoyed this trip! It was not easy arranging my leave and yea, if not for sis's complimentary hotel stays. And I know it was difficult for them to tell the relatives that we're going overseas without them. And damn, we should have brought mahen.

I think we came back on a not-too-happy note. Basically I was just pissed that my father was so uptight over everything and that my sister wasn't helping by smsing my father that she was worried because we had no news. Lucky this was only when we already reached KL airport otherwise the whole trip would have been horrendous. Maybe I am just heartless and often forget to call home when I'm overseas but is there a need to report our every single move everyday? Or is it that I travel so often that being overseas is becoming like nothing already? I need to be more tolerant and forgiving and patient. Or maybe I was so used to being all that and somewhere along, I just unknowingly decided that I've had enough. This is the new me. This might not be a better me, but this is the now-me. The me who is just fighting for myself, no doubt I may not be happier. I am just being easier on myself after years of tolerance and being 随便.

This does not help that I am currently swimming in a pool of hormones (and blood) which are messing with my head. I cannot think rationally and am constantly upset about everything. The Shanghai trip, the parents' expectations (still), the lack of choice for breakfast, the timing of last night's dinner, the parents' expectations (again). I should start living for myself even if I upset everyone else.

That aside, christmas is good. I still like christmas a lot even though I have not gotten to finishing up the stack of cards i've been making since a long time ago. I'm glad I cleared my work before leaving shanghai 'cause it's so much easier getting myself to work and the long weekend was so good spent embracing the messed up mind.

Is this the time?

//bazinga